April 22, 2012
Going Back to Church is Hard

I feel at peace—even joyful. I revert. When the doors open and I am released into the world for the week, I grasp desperately for a firm hold, feeling lost and alone—tragically abandoned by my god, who does not exist in the way I have always recognized Him. The silence is deafening.

This is all part of an experiment, though I’ve not yet arrived at the purpose of it. So far, it has cast me into a strange moment within myself. I feel that I am existing as two people. In order to make sense and take advantage of my experiences within the church, I feel I must be genuine. Irreverence wasn’t ever something I was very good at and now, as an Atheist, I am confronted with a challenge. Sitting in a pew, Bible in hand, I bow my head in prayer, nod in agreement, and mumble “Praise the Lord”. During a point of the service where congregants gather, hold hands, and join together in 15 minutes of constant, fiery prayer, I accept a tissue from my favorite Deacon and fight to hold back the sobs. When the doors of the church open and I am released, it’s like a time machine jumping me up 5 years and an existential crisis later. These two people cannot exist in harmony with one another—certainly not both within my own brain.

I never thought I’d say this, but I believe it’s time to guard my heart against God.

March 15, 2012

I had a sort of breakthrough with my faith today. For the past 6 years, I’ve been intellectualizing it, thinking it through. My conclusions and beliefs are sound and well reasoned. I am proud of my spiritual accomplishments.

But in dark times, the desperate ones where I begged and pleaded for love and for things to change, I sought comfort in the arms of the Lord. My tears were washed away. I felt his arms around me. I took refuge, strength, and comfort in Him. And yet he is not real. That was not real. It was an exercise of my mind to cope with suffering.

And oh, how I suffer now with no refuge save within myself. My loss is overwhelming, and I pray to a God I do not believe in or trust. I know what it is to wrestle angels and battle demons. Tis a rough war.

12:18am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZblBswI0CqQD
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